The Heart of a Child...

I miss these days........

Today has been one of those days that I haven't yet been able to hand over fully to God. My head and my heart are still in a wrestling match to make sense of it or make peace out of it. Impossible. Impossible situations, impossible people, impossible circumstances. 

Makes me long for simpler times like most of us have enjoyed at one time or another in our lives. Times like in the photo above where nothing really exists outside of your little circle. 

Lots of fun posts coming up! Stay tuned... tonight I have a date with candied popcorn & Pinterest!! 

Frazzled

Me. 

This weekend was one of those that felt like #1. I was trapped in it forever, and #2. We will never get out of this season we're in with our family!! Kids fighting, neighborhood drama, toddlers whining, housework, not enough sleep, being fat & out of shape, work.... it feels like this is the merry go round that I am destined to ride for the rest of my natural (I hope it's just natural... I think by the time I reach the hereafter, I will have earned a break!) life. It makes me have to push it out of my mind so that I can go on. Kind of like after you've had a baby - your brain tricks you into remembering the magical rainbow & pony portion of the birth and newborn stage and not the painful, gross, terrible parts. If our brains didn't do this, I'm fairly certain the human race would cease to exist in a relatively short period of time. I'm a super fun bowl of cheer tonight, eh?

On the other side of the coin is this awesome teammate I get to go through life with. My hubby. He seriously is a saint. I'm convinced. He is my rock, my sounding board, my safety net and my love. He endures my crazy ideas and hopeless optimism and undying (ANNOYING, no doubt) pursuit of the greater good. Make blankets for a shelter - but then never actually deliver said blankets? No problem. Take a scary new job and then realize it is much tougher than I ever dreamed possible and have to listen to me threaten to become a shoe salesman? No worries. He's seriously the MOST patient person on. the. planet.

So, while I feel like sometimes our life is someone's cruel joke and that surely God is sitting up in heaven, eating popcorn and getting a good laugh as John and I chase around after the kids and work up a sweat wresting a 2 year old into his pajama's or making up RI-DIC-U-LOUS potty songs, at the end of the day, we are incredibly blessed. It's a thought process I need to go through to get from the lady at the top of the page, to the lady here at the bottom of the page. Relaxed. Poised. Confident. Ready to deal with what I know will be continued craziness until the next time I need to talk myself down off the ledge!!

Makes ya wanna run out and have a bunch of the little critters, doesn't it?!

Balance...

As a mom, I spend a lot time thinking about balance. I want my work/family life to be balanced, I want our kids' schedules to be balanced, I want our checkbook to be balanced and I want our meals to be balanced! Kind of a full time job - this balance thing. I spend hours praying for a fair and balanced perspective, for a life where all the pretty stones are piled in my busy little hands all perfect like in the picture.

BUT.... alas the "big but"....ahem.

I work more than should be humanly allowed, our kids' schedules have ground to a halt for the past 6 months, I gave up all control over our family finances (HUGE!) so I have NO idea what our accounts look like and we eat chicken nuggets, mac n cheese and fruit more times a week than I care to admit!

I often feel like if I just GAVE a little more, I'd be able to pull all things into balance. If I just tried harder, worked harder, parented harder... you get the idea. I feel pretty certain that what feels like a lack of balance in our family has to be a result of me not pulling my weight. I'm not doing something right... right?! Has to be! I see all my mom friends on facebook and they have sparkling floors and smiling, clean kids and a tiny waistline! What the heck am I doing wrong?! I'm supposed to be greeted by sunbeams and smiles when I walk in the door - and it's supposed to be at 5:00 - not 6! I then float around making a delicious, nutritious meal for my family that everyone loves and devours appreciatively. This is followed by family board games and laughing and the Leave It To Beaver music playing in the background!!!

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??????

Maybe if I quit my job, and signed on as chair of the PTO and chaperoned every field trip and volunteered more at church and ironed our socks and ........ the list goes on. Literally for hours I could go on. How is a working mom in 2012 supposed to feel like she's "doing it"? With homeschoolers and "non-schoolers" and attachment parenting and crunchy parenting and vaccine dilemmas and bullying initiatives, how do any one of us have a chance? I wish I had the answer....I wish I had even a HINT...a nugget.....

Instead, I get through each day one step at a time. I commit to loving my husband, nurturing my kids, petting our dogs, giving lots of hugs and kisses, saying "i love you" and trying not to yell all while encouraging creativity and discouraging being unkind. I teach our children life lessons and manners and right from wrong. I teach our dogs to sit and shake (sometimes). I volunteer at church, I help in our childrens' classrooms when I can and I coach their basketball teams. I lead their girls scout troops and teach their Wednesday night church classes and take them to places like the museum and the zoo and the beach. I make it a priority to squeeze every single drop of goodness out of every single day. Some days I fail even before I've even gotten out of bed, but some days the wind is at my back and I sail through with smiles and high fives and hugs. The good days are so good that they carry me through any stretch of bad with hope and an everlasting light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I know that light is my Lord - and some days I'm sure it's a train... but either way, there is a light in that tunnel that can never be extinguished!

So maybe the balance I've found is in that. Each day I balance out any darkness that seeps in with the light of what is and what will always be hope and everlasting light.

New. Part II

Wow. 7 months. 7 months since I last updated this blog. I love to write - it feeds my soul - but I've been away from here for 7 long months. Amazing.
I took a big step up in my company, realized I didn't like giving that much of myself to my job, and have since been on the lookout for a way to contribute to my family financially while still remaining true to my heart. Checked out a couple of online gigs, tossed around a teaching career and even contemplated starting my own business. In the end, though, I'm still searching. It is my sincere hope & prayer that one day it just hits me (it can be literally as long as it still enables me to do said activity!) and I can walk away from corporate America and slip back into my pj's!!
Being a mom of 3 children and 2 dogs, married to a traveling architect and devoted to my faith leaves little time to do anything that doesn't involve a child, a dog or our church, but I am recognizing there is a need to spend a sliver of time on something that refreshes me and refills my spirit!
So here's to the next chapter - whatever that may be....